Lance had called the meeting. He sat on the stool in front of them, like they were his audience. They were just waiting for JC.
"Hurry up," Lance called toward the hallway. JC appeared freshly showered, his shirt tucked neatly into his jeans. Justin gritted his teeth.
JC sat down on the stool next to Lance, both of them in their usual Bust a Move places but actually facing the couch this time, realizing there were other people in the room. JC smiled at Lance and Justin wanted to hit both of them.
Lance took a deep breath. "We have something to tell you," he said.
"We?" Justin said. "Who's we?"
"Me and JC." Lance smiled at JC again and JC returned it with a reassuring look. What the fuck?
Lance took another deep breath. "JC and I have been hanging out a lot lately," he said slowly.
Justin could tell he was choosing his words carefully but fought the urge to scream "Get on with it!" Whatever it was, he just wanted to hear it. He didn't want to fuck around. Were they writing a song? Were they forming a side project? That would figure. JC and I have decided that we're better than all of you and we're going to do stuff on the side without you idiots. Especially you, Justin.
"Basically, we're very fond of each other," Lance finished. "*Very* fond of each other."
That was it? Fond of each other? Who gave a shit?
Joey said, "You mean like...."
There was a long pause. JC nodded. "Yeah."
Justin threw up his hands. "What the hell are we talking about here? Are we speaking in code?" He hadn't meant for it to sound that harsh, but Chris's head snapped sideways and he gave him a strange look.
Justin sighed. "I just mean...come out with it."
"We're lovers," JC said evenly. "We're together. We have been for about a month."
And he said it right to him, the fucking bastard. As if Justin would have a problem with it. As if Justin hadn't been astute enough to know that JC was more into guys than he was girls. And Lance? Justin had figured him for gay the first week he knew him.
Justin gave an exaggerated shrug, trying to look unaffected, but anger burned in the pit of his stomach.
"Cool," Chris said quietly. Justin couldn't get a reading from him one way or another.
"Cool!" Joey agreed, leaning over and slapping Lance on the back. "That's great. You guys are two of my favorite people, and if you guys are happy, I'm happy."
Justin could see Lance's muscles untense all at once, his body slumping forward and a huge smile spreading across his face. JC smiled big in Lance's direction, then at everyone on the couch.
Justin's eyes narrowed. "Cool? Cool?"
Lance and JC's smiles faded simultaneously.
"What if people find out about this?" Justin said. "What if our fans find out? What if you guys break up and hate each other and still have to tour with each other?" His heart was pounding so hard that it made his skull vibrate. He knew he was being a jerk. He knew his reaction was totally wrong. But the anger had gone from a flame into a full-blown forest fire.
"Jesus, Justin," JC said. "Take it easy."
"I can't take it easy." Justin leaned forward and landed on his feet, not even meaning to until it happened. "This affects all of us, you know. It requires a lot more discussion that just saying 'cool.'"
Lance stood too, inches away from Justin. Since when was Lance the type to stand up to anyone? "Well, I can't help it if you don't like it. It's happened. We weren't planning on it, but it's happened."
Please, Justin thought. Like people couldn't help who they loved. There was always a choice in the matter. He could have not hung out with JC as often. He could have buried the feelings by not noticing things like JC's gorgeous smile. He could have gone to his bunk instead of staying up talking to JC, letting the conversation get more and more intimate. He could have not played the stupid video game.
Justin waved his hand in the air. "Look, I just need to go think about this for awhile, all right?" He felt everyone's eyes on him as he walked down the hallway and rolled into his bunk, yanking the curtain closed and staring at the ceiling.
Did that mean that every day he'd ridden the bus, just to get a little closer to them and help his relationship with them, they'd been fucking? With him right across the aisle? His mind flashed forward to them kissing, them touching, Lance's hand trailing across one of JC's sharp cheekbones, Lance kissing JC's collar bone. The idea burned like hell.
It wasn't that he had a problem with homosexuality. He knew lots of gay people. He was friends with them. One night at a club he saw two beautiful guys kissing and couldn't stop staring, not because it seemed weird but because it looked so gorgeous. But Lance and JC...His problem was that someone could find out. His problem was that they were doing it behind his back. His problem was....
What was his problem, anyway?
---
Justin stayed in his bunk all afternoon, grabbing a copy of "Brand New Cherry Flavor" from his suitcase and lying on his back reading it. He heard Chris and Joey leave for the other bus, and JC and Lance talking quietly in the other room. Then they were silent except for the odd wordless outburst, and Justin realized they were playing the video game.
He thought the book would be about sleazy celebrities who killed each other, but it wasn't. It was about some stupid actress the male author kept describing in agonizing detail. Sentence after sentence described her curved hips and how beautiful she was when she smiled. The author skipped over the gore but spent entire paragraphs describing her outfits. The only character Justin was interested in, the sexually ambiguous funky male keyboard player, drifted in and out long enough to lust after the actress and that was it.
Justin put the bookmark between the pages and threw the book at the end of his bunk. There was a new noise now, of laughing and stumbling like Lance and JC were wrestling. Justin wanted to grab something sharp and shove it in Lance's chest, to watch the blood spurt and that look of stupid love fade from Lance's eyes. Didn't they realize that everything would change now? Did they care?
By the time they arrived at the hotel, Justin had stared at the ceiling for so long that his vision had blurred. He rolled out and grabbed his suitcase wordlessly, waiting until Lance and JC were halfway out the door to follow them.
The *NSYNC entourage took up the entire 34th floor, scads of security and stylists and public relations people just waiting to tell Justin what to do. Justin headed straight into his room and shut the door behind him, dropping his suitcase on the floor and stumbling to the bed.
He stared at the ceiling again. The hotel ceiling wasn't too different from the tour bus one. It just had a different texture and was farther away from his nose. It was only a couple of minutes before there was a knock at the door.
"What?" Justin snapped.
"Can I come in?" It was JC's voice, faint on the other side.
"Fine," Justin said. He didn't move. If JC had the extra key card, he could come in. If he didn't, he could stand there in the hall.
JC opened the door and shut it quickly behind him, the extra key card between two fingers.
"What the hell is with you?" JC asked.
Justin focused on the ceiling. He wasn't going to look over, even if God gave the order.
JC strode over to the bed. "Justin, answer me."
Justin shrugged weakly.
"I know you get in your moods," JC said, "but I don't think I've ever seen you be such a screaming, raging prick before."
Justin couldn't help but look. "Shut up," he mumbled.
JC was incredulous. "I just told you what is probably the most important thing of my life. I thought because you've been my best friend for...I don't know...ever that you would maybe be happy for me, or at the very least cool with it. Lance is in there really upset about what you said."
Justin inhaled carefully. "I don't care about Lance."
"What do you mean, you don't care about Lance? How can you even say that? Since when have you not cared about Lance?"
Justin sat up slowly, still not looking at JC. "All I mean is that for the last month, or however long it's been, all you've been doing is hanging out with Lance. It's like you don't remember that the rest of us exist. It's like you don't even remember...."
"That you exist," JC finished, a little of the anger drained from his voice but his feet still rooted firmly in place.
"Yeah," Justin said quietly.
That was it, he realized. That was exactly it. He missed JC. He missed his best friend. Missing best friends hurt a thousand times more than missing girlfriends. Justin almost smiled. He didn't hate JC. He missed him.
"I'm sorry," Justin said, and he meant it. "It's just...you're right. I've missed you. I was just jealous, I think, because you were hanging out with Lance more. I didn't figure it out until now. I'm cool with you being gay. Really. I always kind of thought you were."
He finally raised his eyes and saw JC frozen in place, his hands in his pockets, his jaw set.
"I'll forgive you if you go tell that to Lance," JC said.
"Huh?"
"Go talk to Lance and tell him you're cool with it and that it's not him. He feels really bad right now. I don't care what you say to me because I can pick out the times when you're just being an asshole. But he can't. Go talk to him."
Justin sighed. He didn't want to go talk to Lance. He didn't want to see Lance sitting on the bed, maybe with swollen eyes, looking up at him with that oh-so-cute face. But he said, "Sure. Cool."
JC stood still, looking unconvinced.
"Look, I'm sorry," Justin said. "Really. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I want us to be one big happy family. I love Lance."
Pause.
"Really. I love Lance."
Finally, after what seemed like forever, JC smiled. "Cool." He sat down on the bed and pulled Justin over to him, giving him a tight hug. Justin rested his hands on JC's shoulder blades, running his palms along the sharp ridges and settling in the middle of his back. JC's body was like a warm blanket.
"Justin, all you have to do is tell me this stuff," JC said into his shoulder. Justin held a little tighter when JC started to pull away, but JC won and Justin pulled his hands back and flopped them in his lap. "We'll do something tonight, after the show. Okay?"
"There's not a lot of time after the show," Justin said.
"There's enough. We'll do something." JC brushed Justin's hair back and kissed his forehead. It only lasted a second but it was enough to make a jolt of electricity shoot through Justin's body. Why did JC have to do stuff like that? Justin shuddered and looked away quickly.
"We'll do something," JC repeated, standing up. "So you'll go talk to Lance?"
"Yeah."
JC raised his eyebrows. "Right now?"
Oh, fine, Justin thought, but resisted the urge to say it. He got off the bed and followed JC across the room and into the hallway.
Lance didn't look too upset. He sat cross-legged on the bed, flipping through a magazine, raising his head quickly when Justin walked in.
"Hey," Justin said, sitting down next to him.
"Hey," Lance said slowly.
Justin took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted. I was just shocked and I was kind of jealous that you guys were hanging out together all the time. I was weird. I'm sorry."
Lance studied him. His eyes looked enormous from that angle. "I understand."
"Really? Because I'm not sure I do." Justin laughed nervously before he could stop himself.
Why was Lance looking at him that way? Lance was studying him intently, eyeing him almost...almost suspiciously. What was up with that?
"I'm sorry," Justin repeated, more matter-of-factly.
"It's okay," Lance said carefully. "I understand."
He understood? What the hell did that mean? It was like Lance was looking for something deeper than what Justin was actually saying.
"Lance," Justin said, "I'm not gay."
Lance blinked. "I never said you were. Where did that come from?"
Justin frowned. "I don't know," he said honestly. "I just..." The conversation was obviously going downhill. "Well, I'm going to head back and get ready," he said, giving his best photo shoot smile before he left.