AJ and Howie walked to the store so AJ could get cigarettes, which Howie kept saying would fuck up AJ's voice. But every time he said it AJ nodded like he was listening and then lit another one.

A carload of girls in a convertible slid down the street, moving slowly past them. AJ spun around to face them and spread his arms. "Hey ladies!"

The girls laughed and shook their hair, blonde falling on bare tanned shoulders, and AJ performed some more. He did muscle man poses, spreading his feet in their worn old sandals and flexing his muscles. The girls giggled and turned the corner.

AJ started walking again, still smiling.

"It's still too cold for them to be dressed like that," Howie observed.

AJ looked at him sideways and shook his head. "You are so gay, man."

"What?" Howie asked indignantly. "What did I do?"

"I mean, you're not even bisexual. Not even, like, ambiguous or whatever the fuck it's called. Not even one of those guys who's just trying things on for size to see which one they like better. You're just gay."

Howie shrugged.

"I mean, queer as a three dollar bill. Judy Garland, To Wong Foo gay. Like...."

"Okay!" Howie said. "Okay, I get the damn point!"

"A carload of fine women drive by and flirt with us and all you can say is how they aren't dressed for the weather."

"Well, I don't know." Howie's voice trailed off and he watched the signs in the shop windows. Going out of business sale. Women's dresses half off. "I guess there's only one person who looks good to me right now."

"Oh, fuck. Stop."

Howie stopped at the same time as AJ and they faced each other. "Are you fucking him?" AJ asked.

Howie cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded small. "No."

"You're lying. You are the shittiest liar I know." AJ lifted his sunglasses and pointed to his eyes. "Look right here and tell me you're not fucking him."

Howie tried. He looked in AJ's eyes for two seconds, then had to look sideways. "I'm not, okay? Let's just get your cigarettes."

"Howie..."

"Okay! Okay! I'm fucking him!" No sooner was it out of his mouth than an old woman passing by turned and looked at him. Howie's head dropped and he stared at his feet.

"Hi," AJ called to the old woman. "How you doing?" He waved a little at her, watching her hobble away before turning back to Howie. "You're still going to Germany, right? In two weeks. Two weeks from now, you'll be on an airplane with me."

Howie sighed. "Yes."

"You promise?"

"Yes!"

"Okay." AJ nodded. "You just promised me. We're good to go." He started walking again and Howie fell in step with him. So AJ knew he was having sex with Chris. There were worse things that could happen. The only thing that surprised Howie is that he'd been able to hide it for a month and a half.

They parted at the corner near the campus, AJ strolling off into the early evening like he was ready for anything. Howie's limbs felt like lead as he walked to Ward Hall and climbed the stairs, his steps plodding and uneven. Someone was having an impromptu party in his hallway. Some girl with curlers in her hair screeched as he walked by. Howie cringed.

He went in his room and flipped off his shoes, ready to fall in bed and read or do something to pass the time before he went to sleep. He got to the little corner and Chris jumped out and grabbed him, pulling him back so they flopped on the bed.

"What are you doing?" Howie mumbled, but he was already laughing.

Chris straddled him and sat up, striking an authoritative pose. "I'm overtaking you."

"Huh?"

"I'm claiming this land as my own." Chris fell on Howie, covering Howie's body, and kissed him deeply. "Actually, I've just wanted to see you all day."

Howie pulled Chris even closer and kissed him back. "Me too."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Howie wrapped his legs around Chris and jerked his hips, turning them over so he was on top.

Chris laid back and tucked his hands behind his bed, thrusting his hips a little. "We should try it like this sometime."

"Oh. Can we?"

"Absolutely." Chris smiled slyly and tucked his finger in Howie's belt loop, tugging for a second before he reached in and undid the top button on Howie's pants. "Actually, we should try it like that right now."

Howie smiled back, moving his hips slowly against Chris. He could feel through Chris's jeans that Chris was already hard. As for Howie, he wasn't sure if he'd stopped being hard since the first time they'd done it. "Okay," he said.

"You're so easy to get along with."

Chris grabbed the bottom of Howie's shirt and tugged it off, Howie leaning in a little and raising his arms so Chris could pull it over his head. He closed his eyes as he felt Chris's hands moving across his stomach, sliding up to rub his chest. "You have such a beautiful body," Chris said.

Howie smiled. "Thank you."

Chris's finger brushed across Howie's bottom lip and Howie opened his mouth, taking the tip between his lips and sucking on it.

"You have such a beautiful everything," Chris mumbled. He grabbed Howie's arms and pulled him down, locking him in another deep, electric kiss. Howie wasn't sure how it was supposed to work with him on top, but it didn't matter much anyway. He knew Chris would eventually roll them over and he'd be on his back, clawing at the sheets, groaning so loudly that Chris would have to put his hand over Howie's mouth to keep him quiet.

Howie was right. It had been better the second time. And the third time. And the fourth time. By the time they'd got into the double digits, Howie wasn't sure how he'd ever lived without it. He could barely concentrate in class, and imagining something he'd done with Chris the night before made his head spin and his insides feel like they were melting. He walked around most of the time feeling like his heart was ready to explode. And the feeling was no greater than when Chris was on top of him, pounding into him, causing the delicious feeling that made Howie's legs tremble and his nerves twitch.

So they did it again, rolling around on the bed, stroking and licking each other like they were racing toward orgasm. Then Howie fell asleep with Chris's chest against his back, his arm thrown over Howie so Howie could see his fingers twitch occasionally when he dreamed.

Howie watched the numbers on the clock climb all the way to midnight. He had tears in his eyes and he didn't even know why. Their room was peaceful. Serene. The room used to feel too small, and now it just felt safe. The white walls were painted gray by the darkness and there was no sound except Chris's steady breathing behind him.

Howie slipped out from under Chris's arm and stood up, finding his boxer shorts on his desk chair and slipping into them. He grabbed the phone and laid down on Chris's bed, putting the pillow over his head and dialing AJ.

Please, Howie prayed. Please let him answer. And luckily AJ did.

"Yeah?" AJ said, his voice sleepy.

"It's me," Howie whispered.

"Howie." He heard AJ sit up in bed, probably reaching to turn the light on. "What time is it?"

"It's late. I'm sorry."

"No, it's cool. What's up?"

Howie sighed deeply, feeling a new round of tears pricking his eyes. "I don't want to go."

"Howie...."

"I know. I know what you told me." Howie wiped the pillow against his eyes. "I just...I don't think I'm going to go. Okay?"

AJ sighed deeply, a frustrated sigh that Howie could tell came all the way from his gut and scraped to the surface.

"Don't be mad," Howie said.

"Look, we'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay," AJ repeated. "Sleep tight, D."

Howie hit the power button and the pillow fell off his head as he sat up. Chris was still fast asleep, breathing so deeply that he almost snored. Howie hung up the phone quietly, creeping back over and crawling under Chris's arm.

Chris mumbled something into Howie's back, tightening his grip. Howie held Chris even tighter.

***

Howie spent the next day tapping his pen against the desk, unable to concentrate even though he knew these last couple of weeks counted. He fully intended on getting his degree. There was no way all of this was going to go to waste. In fact, it might be better in the long run if he did that before he tried to establish a career in music.

After the last class he trudged back to his room, his heart like lead. He still hadn't talked to AJ. He knew AJ would give him that sad, disappointed look, like Howie was some little kid who couldn't make his own decisions. His father gave him that look sometimes. Chris used to do it too, occasionally. But he didn't anymore.

Chris still wasn't back. Howie dropped his backpack near the door and sat down at his desk, tapping his pen against the wood. Where was Chris, anyway? His classes were over. He hadn't mentioned going anywhere. Howie grabbed one of his books and opened it, staring at it but not really reading.

Chris came in about an hour later. "Hey."

Howie looked up and smiled. "Hey. Where'd you go?"

Chris dropped his bag at the foot of the bed. "I was actually with one of your friends. AJ." He sat down on his own bed, bouncing a little on the mattress. "What's this I hear about you not wanting to go to Germany?"

Howie shrugged at his book. "I don't know. I was just thinking about it."

He heard Chris take a deep breath from across the room. "You need to go to Germany," Chris said.

Howie speared the desk with the tip of his pen. "I don't need to do anything."

Chris shimmied out of his jacket. "I'll still be here when you get back."

Howie dropped the pen with a clatter. "What makes you think it's all about you? There are a lot of reasons why I'm reconsidering it."

Chris nodded slowly. "I know."

"I am 20 fucking years old and everyone treats me like I can't make my own decisions."

Chris raised his hands. "Hey. I'm sorry."

Howie stared at his book again, chewing anxiously on his thumb. "No, I'm sorry."

"No. Really. I'm sorry."

"Chris, stop apologizing so much." When Howie realized what he'd said he couldn't help but smile a little. Everything was quiet for a few seconds before Chris walked over and knelt timidly in front of Howie. He grabbed Howie's hand and ran his soft thumb over the knuckles. "Look, I know you can make your own decisions. I just think you really need to do this."

Their eyes locked. Chris's were darker than usual, his pupils almost like pinpoints, his expression so earnest that Howie couldn't help but melt. Chris reached up and rubbed Howie's cheek with his thumb. "God, you know, those eyes of yours just kill me."

Howie fought the urge to look away. "Why?"

"Because I could just drown in them. They're so deep. And it's like everything you think or feel is just right there in them."

"Yeah." Howie smirked. "That part sucks. I can't lie to anyone."

Chris pulled Howie's hand closer and kissed it. "That's not a bad thing."

"Except when I want to lie." He watched Chris's lips brush across his knuckles again, Chris kneeling there like he was ready to propose marriage. "Look, I'll think about the Germany thing, okay? I'm still deciding."

Chris stood up and stretched his arms. "I'm heading to Beans to get something to eat. You coming?"

Howie grinned. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yes." Chris nodded firmly. "A date to the cafeteria."

"Well, how can I refuse?"

***

The next day was better. Howie smiled through most of it, tapping his pen but with a little less anxiety. He knew the answers to everything. The professors spoke with a new kind of clarity. And he said something funny to the girl next to him and she laughed so hard that she snorted. He was supposed to go to Walmart with AJ after class to get some Germany gear, but he decided to skip it to see his roommate a couple of hours sooner.

The walk back to his room was easy. He navigated the stairs effortlessly. The hall was peacefully empty and silent, and no one was out there being an idiot. He walked into his room and dropped his backpack near the door, fully expecting to see Chris there. But Chris was still out. Not that it mattered, because Howie wasn't supposed to be there either.

He strolled over to the answering machine, seeing the blinking red "one." "You have one new message," he said in a mechanical voice, and pushed the "play" button.

Howie ran his hand across his forehead, wiping away the thin sheen of sweat. It had gotten suddenly and unexpectedly hot that day, and he knew in another month his clothes would be sticking to him.

*Beep*.

"Yeah, Chris? It's Randy." It was a guy's voice, low and smooth like a phone sex operator. "Pick up, baby."

Howie turned slowly and stared at the machine.

"You took off so quickly on the weekend that I didn't even get a chance to thank you for a fucking. Awesome. Time." Low chuckle. "Anyway, phone me if you can get away from your roommate."

*Beep*. And then: "You have no more messages."

Howie stood in place. Stared at the machine some more. "Did I just hear that?" he asked the room, walking over and hitting the button again.

"Yeah, Chris? It's Randy. Pick up, baby."

Fucking awesome time. Get away from your roommate.

Howie hit the stop button frantically. Okay, he'd heard that. He'd heard that in a big way. A great big fucking way.

He took a step backwards, looking wildly around the room. "What the fuck?" he said. "What the fuck?"

He walked to Chris's side of the room. To where Chris kept his stupid clothes and his stupid books and his stupid record collection in a cardboard box by the bed. He walked in circles, wanting to yank open the window and throw everything out of it. Stay calm, he thought. Keep your cool.

The door clicked and Chris came in. "Hey."

Howie spun around. "You have a message."

"Oh, do I?" Chris walked over and casually hit the button.

"Yeah, Chris? It's Randy. Pick up, baby."

Howie listened again, his heart beating doubletime, and said the last line along with the machine. "Phone me if you can get away from your roommate."

Chris took a deep breath and stepped away, eyes wide. He didn't say anything.

"What the fuck?" Howie asked. "What have you been doing when I'm not around? Fucking half the campus?"

"Well, we never said it was like..." Chris said weakly.

"It was like what? It was like monogamous?"

Chris turned slowly and faced him, eyes steady. "Yeah."

"Well, pardon me for assuming it." Howie paced to his own side of the room, not knowing whether to sit or stand or scream or cry.

"Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups," Chris replied.

"Oh, fuck you." Howie kicked a plastic bag with a can of Coke in it and would have winced if he weren't madder than a hornet whose nest had been destroyed. "Don't give me one of those stupid cliches."

Chris stayed stone faced. Cold. "I guess you misunderstood."

"You're fucking right I misunderstood. I misunderstood that one time that you said you loved me, although I should have known it was because you were getting fucked at the time. I misunderstood that you were supposed to be my friend, and if nothing else you'd at least treat me with the same respect as a friend and maybe be fucking honest with me."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever," Howie mumbled, yanking his suitcase out from underneath his bed. He grabbed everything off the night table and threw it in.

Chris tensed. "Where are you going?"

"My fucking mother's. What does it matter? Thank God I realized what kind of person you really are before I was ready to make some big fucking decision over you."

Chris stepped closer and Howie flinched. "Let me explain."

"I am sick of being treated like this. I am not everyone's bitch." Howie went to the dresser and pulled out some clothes, stuffing them in the suitcase so radically that they all unfolded. He zipped it up and hauled it off the bed. "I gotta go."

He shoved past Chris and grabbed his backpack before he flung open the door. It took every ounce of restraint not to slam it shut behind him. He hauled everything down the hallway, hating the carpet, hating the people who lived there, hating the little red "exit" sign above the door to the stairs.

He got three steps down on the stairwell before all of his energy left him. He dropped into a sitting position and cried until his entire body ached, and he didn't even notice a couple of freshmen pass him and stare.